The Gap
An image which sums up what I am trying to achieve with my most recent project, All my Bad Work. I have been in a pretty bad way due to physical and emotional exhaustion ( I have to admit resisting the rest I need due to both stubbornness and the thorny issue of self-worth) and as a result collapsed in to a depression which has had me crying profusely.
Here’s a technically inept shot of my mother and I - it’s out of focus, the highlights out of the window are blown, the composition is out of whack and perhaps the most shaming, the gap in my front teeth is showing ! I felt uneasy about posting this because it meant that I, a 56 year old woman, went to my mother crying like a wounded child in need of a comforting hug. The shame I feel at not being able to magically pull myself together is extensive.
I decided to get my camera to document the moment. I was in hurry to catch the authenticity so instead of setting up a tripod placed the camera on a chair on top of a pile of unfolded clothes. The resulting image captures mum and I laughing as we realised that I faced the lens in entirely the wrong direction. The air was cleared and I wiped away my tears, smiling.
There is the the gap between the stories I tell myself and what is actually happening. Humour is an opportunity, reminding me that the ridiculous is always close by.
Juxtapose
More from my portfolio of photographs, All my Bad Work, where I share things I usually don’t want people to see, mostly because of shame. As much as I want to ignore it a lot of my conditioning around social acceptance comes from looking a certain way. I have recently had a dramatic flare in my chronic ill-health symptoms leaving me fatigued and in pain. I have been talking photographs of my environment and of myself. I decided to juxtapose these images with snap shots of me as a child, as a young woman, and earlier in my Lyme Disease journey where I look healthy, happy and vibrant.
This has been a pretty painful experience and I still wonder if it’s a good idea to explore my illness trauma this way. I’m very much in two minds about it. My other concerns are that these juxtapositions are too on the nose, that there is little room for interpretation and that they are just too damned miserable.
Anyway for all of this I still feel the pull to carry on with the creative adventure I find myself on.
Sunday, Early
Sarala, Twice
Analogue/Digital
I had no idea that I would be so inspired by today’s magnificent Cyanotype workshop at London’s Free Space Project taught by Daniel Regan. Feeling wobbly after only 3 hours sleep I dragged myself to Kentish Town expecting to last about an hour before I would have to leave. Instead I stayed to the very end, learnt a new process, met some talented artists, and caught some of the last summer rays too.
Below are a couple of the cyanotypes I made today and a few images processed on photoshop after I had scanned the images in. I really enjoy combining analogue and digital techniques.
The Reveal
More from my All my Bad Work portfolio where I share photographs that I wouldn’t usually want people to see . The self portraits here are a million miles away from the beautiful selfies you can find with a swipe or mouse click. I live with a fair amount of fatigue and pain and I took these today when feeling exhausted. I feel so old. I look and feel totally worn out and seeing that made me cry.
Does it really matter that I look far from gorgeous ?
When I was editing I took a deep breath and tried to see the story in the pictures. For a moment it was no longer me in the images, all that mattered was the connection between the subject and the audience.
Nothing is perfect, everything is perfect.
Sleepless nights make it harder for me to face the day and to acknowledge the balance that is always there. Although my ‘All My Bad Work’ project is still in its infancy I find myself drawn to my living space, the mess of it and the things that I’d rather not share. In my worst moments I feel ashamed that I don’t have a more pristine life where my home, life and presentation is in perfect order.
A wise friend reminded me, that to find happiness, we must learn to love what we hate. I think that’s especially true for emotional unrest. And whilst I am not in love quite yet I’m finding this experience of exposing what I want to hide a very exciting and educational process.
Everything you hide is precious
Too much Blur
Some more images from my continuing project All My Bad Work. This time shot on film, and because I wasn’t wearing my glasses, out of focus and a little dusty.
