Nothing is perfect, everything is perfect.

Sleepless nights make it harder for me to face the day and to acknowledge the balance that is always there. Although my ‘All My Bad Work’ project is still in its infancy I find myself drawn to my living space, the mess of it and the things that I’d rather not share. In my worst moments I feel ashamed that I don’t have a more pristine life where my home, life and presentation is in perfect order.

A wise friend reminded me, that to find happiness, we must learn to love what we hate. I think that’s especially true for emotional unrest. And whilst I am not in love quite yet I’m finding this experience of exposing what I want to hide a very exciting and educational process.

Everything you hide is precious

Photographs of my home for All My Bad Work.

Too much Blur

Some more images from my continuing project All My Bad Work. This time shot on film, and because I wasn’t wearing my glasses, out of focus and a little dusty.

Point and Shoot

I have decided to challenge myself and take photographs which aren’t driven by finding a charming aesthetic and instead take pictures without a specific goal in mind. My hope is that by allowing myself some freedom creatively I will be able to befriend the parts of my personality that I reject or find uneasy to live with. I'm calling this project 'All my Bad Work'.

The images below were taken on a Fuji X100s and, unusually for me, they are straight out of the camera without any processing.

All my Bad Work

Recently I’ve been having a tough time taking photographs. My inner critic has been yelling at me. The work I produce is not technically proficient, it’s shallow, there’s no narrative, it’s meaningless or riddled with cliche. The work I produce is just plain ugly.

I have decided to challenge myself and take photographs which aren’t driven by finding a charming aesthetic and instead take pictures without a specific goal in mind. My hope is that by allowing myself some freedom creatively I will be able to befriend the parts of my personality that I reject or find uneasy to live with. I'm calling this project 'All my Bad Work'.

The One I Love - Exhibition and Private View

I'm working hard on my new exhibition 'The One I Love' which explores the relationship people with long term invisible conditions have with their pets.

Where : Free Space Project, Kentish Town Health Centre, 2 Bartholomew Road NW5 2BX

When : October 23rd - December 14th

Private View : October 23rd at 6.30pm to 8.30pm

Hope to see you there !

Naomi x

Living Differently - Holding the Gaze

Back in 2013 I did an online photography course with Vivienne McMaster. Vivienne's work encourages her participants to "discover tools that will help you to cultivate a relationship of self-compassion both through the camera and in your every day life" (her words from the website), the premise being that self portraiture can help us look at ourselves with love and lessen the hold of self-criticism. It can be a radical act to show up in front of the lens and direct that gaze, that multi-facted honest gaze towards our most bullying critic - us. We can feel the earth shift when we direct a look of love towards ourselves instead.

A year before this I began using photography as a way to deal with living with chronic illness. After feeling trapped in my body I felt an enormous sense of relief capturing what was happening to me on camera. I was both the photographer and the subject and that allowed me to explore my feelings in depth without having them overwhelm me. The camera was a tool for both investigation and validating my experience. I began my self-portrait journey wanting to record the truth and the last thing I wanted was to 'play nice' for the camera. As I continued my work with Vivienne I learnt how to enjoy being in front of the lens. I found out that I was a worthy a subject as anyone I had turned my camera towards.

A few years have gone by and I'm still adapting to a life I did not choose, still looking for  my own story in the midst of change. The past 6 months have been very tough and I've got puffy and swollen in my face. This shouldn't matter, but it does. In an attempt to self-validate I forgot one thing - the constant passing of time. When I look at the photos above, all taken and processed on my phone, posing, pouting and beaming - I can also see someone trying hard to pretty herself for the lens. Looking at these pictures something is missing. Where is my body ? It's no coincidence that I live with an invisible illness.  I've managed to hide myself from myself.

Looking  again I can see that even the most processed of them are a part of my story. Some days I let my vulnerability show, others I shine with joy and then there are the times when I feel the only choice I have is to 'say cheese', hold my gaze and face the world.

Living Differently - Nothing is Beautiful

A week ago my solid, kind and adored therapist finally retired. I'm still numb from the ending of what has become one of my most important relationships to date. Every therapeutic relationship is different and ours evolved in to something far away from text books and theories and in to something imaginative, philosophical, supportive and ultimately saved my life more than once.  A few weeks before our final session we were talking about photography. I mentioned the work of Khalik Allah, whom I had only just discovered. I broke down in tears recalling the images of these New Yorkers - tough, broken and on the edge of survival. What struck me most is their vibrance. Yes, there's suffering here, addiction and poverty but there's also tenacity. That the photographs are in colour, deep saturated flourishing colour, spoke to me about the vitality of the human spirit. And that's why I wept. 'All photography captures life' I said 'Even if it's no longer there, it's the evidence that it has been. From the sky at night to a lamp on a table, to the people in the photographs, it's all about life. And because it's all about life it means that it's about beauty.' I thought about the photographic projects I've assigned myself since becoming ill - from taking pictures of the small and mundane, snapping the shutter at the same subject matter over days or weeks to my most recent project 'The View From Here'  (taken entirely from my bed during this recent crash). 'Even nothing is beautiful' I said.

My therapist smiled and repeated 'Nothing is beautiful' and in that moment we acknowledged both meanings inherent in this statement. The way I had originally meant it - even nothing is beautiful - and also remembering the despair I had taken to many session where I would arrive joyless and sad believing that there was no beauty in myself, or the world that I had access to. Nothing is beautiful, not this moment or any moment to come. But now my wish is that by stumbling on these words I can find moments, however short, where both the hope and hopelessness can live side by side. And that there will always be colour even in the most brutal of times.

Bringing Art Home - an interview with photographer Supriya Sunneva Kolandavelu

I decided it was time to interview some photographers and find out what drives them to take pictures, Supriya Sunneva Kolandavelu, who brings to her work such a fresh and generous eye, talks about her own photographic journey.

What or who got you in to taking photographs and did you ever study it ?

My wonderful friend Craig Thomas, who is himself a self taught photographer, is a big inspiration for me. I borrowed a camera from a friend and later met up with Craig after getting Skype counselling on how to work with a camera. Craig was fast and eager to get me on track. He shared with me his wisdom about photography as well as taking me on several 'at home with Craig and on the road' workshops where he taught me what he could get into my stubborn mind. From there I was able to practice photography on a professional level. I have always had the eye but perhaps lacked the instrument to practice it until the last two years.

What sparks your imagination and inspires you ?

I think influences are all around me. I do believe that not only do I detect happiness through my own happy heart, but also evoke situations around me in which mirror my present mode, being happy. The same goes for sadness. When I feel sad and uncomfortable, I will in the same way provoke situations around me, so that I can have the space to express that feeling. I think that in order to express sadness, and relate in that way to other people's sadness, I have to allow the sadness to take me over. If I want to provoke happiness, I will have to provoke it within myself first.

What are you working on now ? I have a vision for creating projects that are produced by the public. I like co-operation rather then competition.I want to bring art home and encourage everyone to invest their time in healing themselves and their environment. I think sites like kickstarter or indigogo.com provide interesting possibilites in terms of getting a budget for a project, along with other sites where people exchange their skills for supporting their (and others) projects.

What have you learnt with your photography over the last few years ?

Being young and quite new in this area, the last couple of years have shaped me in many ways that are still appearing. Being behind the camera teaches one to remove oneself a little more, and to watch without interacting. That in itself has been a great lesson for me.

What matters most to you, how a photo looks or how it how it makes you feel ?

I get caught up in the moment, forgetting time and everything around me. When I realiced that the most beautiful things I have witnessed have happened when I was fully present I started wondering where these wonderful things came from. Nothing else was occupying my mind, for the moment to be good I have to be in it. I have to forget everything else but this moment, and notice it for what it is. If I can see it, it can be beautiful.

Can photography heal ?

I believe human feelings are connected up like a wire. I believe we have within us the healing power in which we tend to seek elsewhere, as all art comes from within.

How well can photography depict the truth and/or expand our knowledge of a world we do not know and have not seen ?

A great artist requires a great spectator. Wisdom comes from going away from oneself, only to come back to see what was always there but lacked an eye to look through.

Finally, please complete this sentence 'I love taking photographs because... I love taking photographs because it provokes a stillness within me and with an attentive mind, listening to my soul.

Seeing the World - an interview with photographer Rob Covell

I decided it was time to interview some photographers and find out what drives them to take pictures. Below is an interview with my friend Rob Covell. Rob has a deep humanity in him and an abhorrence of social injustice. As well as his great work I also admire him for sticking to his principles which he talks about in more detail here.

What or who got you in to taking photographs and did you ever study it ? 

There have been a few factors, and I guess I don’t really explore the reasons until you ask me like that. 4 years ago I went to the Caribbean with my partner and took a cheap bridge camera and I couldn’t stop taking pics. That certainly sparked an underlying need for me to take photos. A year later I saw some beautiful photos on Flickr of a model, and I just thought how I’d like to take shots of my partner like that. The bridge camera was not allowing me to take control of the photos, so I bought an entry level DSLR. I’m self-taught plus whatever info I can cadge off other photographers.

What inspires you ?

My influences are really my passion for the things I photograph. I know little of the wider art form, so I couldn’t really name you many famous photographers that inspire me. I actually just like going through magazines or websites and will suddenly see a photo I really like. But as I said, for me photography is about capturing my passion, or the passion of the subject…or in some cases both! I see photography as a means to convey something, rather than just photography in itself. That also extends to issues in the world that I care about, where perhaps my photography can help give publicity or fresh angles.

What projects and photography you are working now ?

I’m working on a sports photography project and also looking to expand my fashion portfolio this year. I also want to get into wedding photography and really strengthen my overall portfolio.

Can photography heal ?

There is no question it can heal. For me personally coming off a recent illness, the relaxation and distraction photography has given me has been invaluable mentally. As for the subject… if I can take a photo that makes the subject see themselves in a positive light, say for example someone who doesn’t like their photo taken, and they are pleased with what they see… I guess that’s a mini-healing, or reconciliation with self. I love it when someone sees something about themselves that they like in a photo, particularly when camera shy.

In what ways is photography exploitative of its subject matter ?

I think this is a very deep and important question, with no doubt many perspectives to it. I personally avoid taking photos of suffering, eg. If I’m photographing a marathon, and someone hurts themselves, I find it gratuitous to zoom in on their agony. That extends wider to those photographing more serious human suffering, eg. In war zones. If what you photograph can make a difference to the subject’s plight, then there is an argument for the invasiveness of some photography. If it’s all about the photographic award of the shot, then I have a problem justifying it. I regularly photograph protests against Deaths in Custody, and I’m very wary of how raw the emotions are of those who have been bereaved and unjustly treated. It’s a responsibility not to step over a line in conveying what needs to be told, and putting out a family or loved ones personal desperation.

Another angle on this is the exploitation of women. I have strong views on how women are portrayed in the media, and at the same time my photography has recently moved into the realms of fashion/models, although this is not exclusively female of course. But I feel a personal responsibility to what I maybe portraying in my pictures and to the subject. I won’t manipulate photos for example, and I won’t use a shot that the model doesn’t like. I firmly believe in re-addressing media/social perceptions of what is feminine and what is beauty and that’s something I hope to develop.

Finally, please complete this sentence 'I love taking photographs because...' It helps me convey what I see and what I love and lets me see the world with new eyes.